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You’ll Regret That.

May 25, 2011

When I was very very young (around 4 or 5), I had an imaginary friend named Herbert (who was my age). Herbert was a very friendly imaginary friend but he liked to get into mischief sometimes. One time, Herbert broke a lamp when I wouldn’t let him watch CHiPs (awesome show, but Power Rangers was on). Herbert actually broke this lamp…I wasn’t just blaming it on him, but my parents didn’t believe me (obviously). That night, while I was lying in bed, Herbert came into my room. He looked scary and angry at me for something, probably because I ratted him out to my parents.

I didn’t say anything to him, I barely even acknowledged his presence in my room as I rolled over to go to sleep. Before finally falling asleep, I saw Herbert move to the foot of the bed and just stare at me. As my eyes grew heavier, I heard a faint whisper from my imaginary friend …

“You’ll regret that.”

From that day on, I didn’t see Herbert as much, though I knew he was around. All around me things would fall and break. Glass in the picture frames would crack for no reason and without being touched. Cars on the road would get into accidents when I walked down the street. I would lose things that I just set down somewhere. Homework had eraser marks on it and I would have to scramble in first period to finish it. This has gone on ever since Herbert left me alone…for almost 20 years now. Even to this day, things like this still occur and I just can’t help but think about Herbert.

*

Originally I had not planned to introduce this subject because my “incidences” with Herbert have begun to finally slow down (seemingly from not thinking/talking about him). But I feel like /r/NoSleep could use a few more recent stories about my childhood imaginary friend and his constant presence.

I have always kept a journal throughout my life (starting around 7 or 8 years of age) as a way to keep my memories to look back on in the future. These journals are mostly filled with things like “today I went fishing and caught a huge carp” from my younger years or “last night I got so wasted I pissed in a suitcase” from my trip to South Padre for spring break in college. There are, however, a few gems about Herbert and how he messes with me that may make for an interesting read. I am copying these mostly word-for-word out of my journal and only editing to make sense of my poor writing abilities in my younger years. This is not an entire collection of “The Herbert Chronicles,” but some of the stories are too short to be worth posting. Italicized text in brackets is not in my journal and was added to help explain things. Enjoy.

8/02/96 (10 years old) – Today Matt and I went down to the creek to check on the beaver’s house. There was a lot of rain and we want to make sure it didn’t get washed away. [The previous entry was all about this beaver dam we found while fishing up stream from the creek.] We couldn’t find the beavers so we decided to go down further and see if they moved. I saw Herbert on the other side of the water and told Matt we should try to go across the log that fell down, like a bridge. When I made it across, Herbert was back on the other side of the water so I told him to come over. When Matt was on the log, Herbert was trying to get past him and Matt fell in the water. He wasn’t happy about being all wet so we came home.

3/24/99 (13 years old) – I am not happy with my friend right now [reference to Herbert]. He always tries to get me into trouble and nobody believes me when I say it wasn’t me. My girlfriend Amber [next door neighbor girl] was over today and we were outside on our rollerblades. I was skating around Amber by my dad’s car when I felt Herbert push me. I was skating really fast and I couldn’t stop and I ran into dad’s car. He is still laughing about it but it isn’t funny. He just keeps saying “they think it was you” over and over again and he won’t leave me alone. My dad yelled at me for putting a mark on his car but it wasn’t my fault. I think next time Amber and I will go to the park to rollerblade…Herbert never follows us there.

7/02/05 (19 years old) – It has been a while since I have written about him but I have to write this down before I forget. I SAW HERBERT TODAY. I know, he isn’t real, let it go. It was the damnedest thing, I was sitting in my room watching tv trying to stay out of the heat when I saw something walk past my window. I thought maybe it was Matt coming by [Matt lived in the house behind me for years and we had known each other since we were little] so I went to the front door to let him in. Nobody was there when I opened the door though, so I went back to my room. I must have started dozing off from the bowl when out of nowhere I hear this loud banging on my window…scared me half to death. I sat up and saw him standing there looking in. I didn’t pay attention to him and just kept watching TV. He kept tapping on the window trying to get my attention so I got up and closed the blinds. I didn’t hear the tapping anymore after that. I started to get hungry so I decided to take a drive to McD and grab a Big Mac. I got to my car and I had a flat tire that looked like it had been slashed…I thought this shit was done.

[There was another entry a few days later about Herbert but all it said was “Fuckin Herbert, man” which is what I say to myself whenever something happens around or to me.]

4/02/09 (23 years old) – Unbelievable. Today, Stripey [my cat] was sitting in the doorway to my room just staring and meowing at something. I called him over but he wouldn’t even acknowledge me. Finally I decided to get up to see what was so fascinating and what did I see? Herbert was sitting at my computer playing a game! I hadn’t seen Herbert in years and while it was good to see an old friend, this shit needs to stop! He just looked over at me with his glazed eyes and shit-eating grin and giggled. What a creepy little kid. I told Brittany about it when she got home [college girlfriend…she believed my stories about Herbert] from class. She jested, asking if I said “hi” to him and chuckled a bit…I didn’t find it amusing. While we were eating dinner in the living room, we heard a loud crash in the bedroom and all I could think was “wtf is Herbert up to in there.” Sure enough, when I went into the bedroom, I saw her box of nail polish all over the floor, bottles cracked and spilled on the new carpet. She blamed the cat but he was in the kitchen…I knew who had done it.

That was the last entry about Herbert in my journal. I feel like a notebook is missing though since the last date in that one (on the bottom of the back of the last page) is 12/31/09 and I usually start a new notebook every year. The first date on my current one is 1/05/10 so either I lost a notebook or I didn’t write anything. The other day though, Herbert made a brief appearance. I didn’t write it down but I could have sworn I saw him when I pulled into the driveway after work…but it was dark so I can’t be certain. One important thing I should mention about my dear friend Herbert is that he doesn’t age. He is perpetually 6 years old, which compounds on the freak out factor when I do see him. So do any of you have or have any of you had an imaginary friend?

EDIT – Specifics about Herbert:

He is of typical stature for a 6 year old. He has semi-long, straight dark hair. He isn’t fat but you wouldn’t call him skinny. He always has the same clothes on. They look sort of like a dark brown or black suit with a sport coat, button up shirt, slacks, and dress shoes. He has piercing grey eyes, like slabs of granite with tiny little jet black pupils in the center. He is almost always smiling, even when causing trouble (I would say especially when getting into mischief), the kind of off-putting smile though, that seems to grow more to one side of his face in a smirk. When he is angry (which is increasingly rare), he gets this sinister scowl on his face and his brow wrinkles, like a kid that doesn’t get his was. But this is different. His eyes go almost jet black and his face seems to hide in shadow. Funny, as I’m typing this up at work I keep hearing a slight noise coming from near or under my desk, but no matter. I have learned that if you ignore him, he pouts but eventually leaves (though not before causing some sort of problem). I will try to find a picture to better show what his face looks like on the internet in a minute here. Update to follow.

EDITHere is almost exactly what he looks like. His eyes are only black when he is angry. He’s here now. I can feel him messing with my shoelaces under my desk. I knew talking/thinking about him again was not a good idea but I couldn’t help but share.

Here is almost exactly what he looks like. His eyes are only black when he is angry. He’s here now. I can feel him messing with my shoelaces under my desk. I knew talking/thinking about him again was not a good idea but I couldn’t help but share.

EDIT 2 – Some strange occurences have been happening to myself and my girlfriend. We just moved to a new apartment in June and we have been hearing noises and have misplaced items. I am thinking some investigation may be at hand.

– Posted by TG_Alibi; Reddit

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